Mid-May. It's the most bittersweet time of the year. You've waited in line at the bookstore to pick up your rental hat and gown ("Wait, I have to return this thing?!"), probably longer than necessary because you, like everyone else with a crippling case of senioritis, waited until the last possible day. Your family has visited and paraded you around school, while wearing said rental items, forcing you to take photos in front of campus landmarks (again, waiting forever. Can you believe that this many UF Delta Gammas want to take their pictures on the 50-yard line of The Swamp?!) You've gone through your school bucket list with your friends, frantically trying to cross the last few off (The Great Indoorsman, I'm looking at you) before a plane ticket is a requirement to visit your favorite late night food joint. Yes, it's the time of the year where and your peers must rip off the sleeves of the thrill that is college life and are bestowed the tank top of responsibility that is the kinda-sorta-not really adulthood of post-graduate life.

But, of course, there's one more ceremony between you and the end of your academic career: graduation. Normally portrayed as a 3 minute, feel good conclusion to a movie starring 32 year olds trying to pass as 17, graduation ceremonies tend to be long, self-aggrandizing and, overall, a waste of the money Sallie Mae gave to school on your behalf. "A waste of money?" you ask. Yes. Schools are forking over more than $50,000 to have an actor, politician, or, god forbid, an author come and give a 15 minute speech that will supposedly enlighten you as you enter the beginning of the rest of your life. $50,000! That's a year's tuition...or alternatively, if you went in-state, a whole academic career's (with some wiggle room for the victory lap year) tuition! Is it worth it, ever? Well, we here at College Tanks have gone through every commencement speech, ever, and have found three, and only three, where the answer may actually be yes.

 

Charlie Day's Merrimack College Commencement Address

With his character being so ludicrous in "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia" it's easy to forget that Charlie Day was a 1998 graduate from the prestigious Merrimack College in North Andover, Massachusettes. I'm just surprised his advice to all these graduates wasn't to have them put on their job helmets, squeeze down into a job cannon and fire into job land, where jobs grow on little jobbies.

Conan O'Brien's 2011 Dartmouth College Commencement Speech

Despite graduating from Harvard, Conan managed to refrain from joking that these kids, with their paltry Dartmouth degrees, would do nothing more than pump gas for a living. Good boy, Conan.

Jim Carrey's 2014 Commencement Address at Mahashari University

I've never heard of Mahashari University, but they were able to get this real gem out of the former Pet Detective. Fun fact, the Mahashari University School of Management gave Jim Carrey an honorary Doctor of Fine Arts degree. So that's Dr. Mask to you.

So there you go. That's it. Okay, obviously we didn't go through every speech ever. But these are a few that made us laugh and think at the same time, and left us feeling a little more motivated than we were going into it. But congratulations to all of our Tanks Nation graduates out there, and best of luck on your future endeavors.

Just, don't forget, you're can be too cold to rock a tank, but never to old to rock a tank.